So life has for the most part returned to normal. I still have to go for one more blood test... next week. My Dr. wants to track my hCG levels until it's back to 5 or less. The DH made a "baby dancing" joke last night... so I'm guessing that it means he's ready to move on.

I'm back to working on projects for my clients... which is good. Sitting around the house feeling sorry for myself was doing me any good.

I'm looking forward to trying again after one cycle (our Dr. said that's all we really needed to wait)... but I have to admit I'm going to likely be a ball of nerves the next time I pee on a stick and it's says "pregnant".

~CravingBaby

I've been able to rest and try to relax the last few days. It's hard to know physically and emotionally how long this miscarriage will impact my day to day life. Emotionally I know they'll always be a part of me that feels nothing but gratitude and love for the little one we never got to meet. The other part of me is dealing with the "why me?", "how come?", "I just don't get it" part.

I've been blessed to have very understanding clients (as I work freelance). Only a few of them know and they've been very accommodating while I've been unavailable this week. I've made a decision to not travel as much for work anymore. I don't want to be away from my husband as much as I've been the past two years. We have so much fun together and it just doesn't make any sense anymore to keep working and be gone like I've been. Slowing down was inevitable as we so badly want to start a family... so I figure no time like the present.

Speaking of presents. I think I'm going to give myself a little one this weekend in the form of a pedicure. Thanks to spendy gas prices and saving for the baby I've not had a pedicure in a couple of months... opting to do at home pedi's... that regardless of how hard I concentrate, never ever come out looking as nice as the professional ones.

I'm continuing to feel the physical effects of miscarriage... and this has to be one of the worst parts... it's like having the worst period of your life. Every time you make a potty stop you're reminded that you're no longer pregnant, no longer expecting, no longer within 9 months of babydom. While I'm going to take my time to grieve I am also well aware that life must go on... and so it shall.

Wow. I never thought that I would write a post titled "Miscarriage Update"... but for those that care... that's exactly what this post is going to be.

I went to the Dr. yesterday (I go to a group practice and you typically don't see the same Dr. two times in a row.) Yesterday I met a new Dr. (she's not new... just new to me) and I have to say in the sad and stressful situation we are in, she was wonderful. She really put my mind at ease about what was happening... that it DOES NOT MEAN IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. She said I have an excellent chance of my next pregnancy being healthy and full-term.

I realize that in the future BFP's will never look quite the same, the pure excitement will likely be shrouded with shades of fear and doubt... but the mathematical chances of this not happening again are in my favor.

I still believe that God will only give me what I can handle... and I'm handling this. The moment that I actually said aloud "I release you to God" was a freeing moment for me and since then I have felt a deep peace come over me. I am of course still sad... but I am hopeful.

Thanks again for your support... it means so much.

"Baby Dust" to all the TTC couples.

Yesterday it felt natural to me to write what I was feeling and today I thought I would share it with you. I have received many comments and well wishes both here and on the FertilityGal message boards. I am always amazed at how much comfort and support women so willingly give to those they don't know. Thank you to all of you for your caring words. It means so much during this trying time.


My heart is breaking as I say goodbye to the precious dream that was you. I will never forget how excited I was to tell your daddy that we had been blessed with you. Everyday that I believed you were with me my heart was full of love and joy in anticipation of meeting you.

May God, who has blessed my life with love and hope bring my heart peace and until you and I meet in God's Kingdom may the Lord hold you, my sweet baby, in the gentle and tender and loving hands that he touches my life and my heart with every day.

I loved you and I love you still. Always will you hold a special corner in my heart and place in my soul.

I release you to God and thank you for the joy you gave me... it was a blessing.

I lost my baby today at 6 weeks and 3 days. I went to the hospital and they confirmed I was having a miscarriage. They don't know why... as you all know... it just happens sometimes. I'm pretty low and trying to assure myself I didn't do anything wrong.

~CravingBaby

So I made my first "after-hours" call to my OBGYN group last night. I was traveling and on a layover noticed a brown discharge.... aghhh... I totally freaked. My mind immediately went to the worst. I was exhausted from traveling for work and concerned that I had overexerted myself and done something wrong to my baby.

I called the answering service and the Dr. on call returned my call within minutes. Luckily she said that I shouldn't be too concerned. As long as I wasn't seeing bright red blood, my body was probably just getting rid of "old" blood.

Still it was disconcerting and I've imposed a sort of loose "bed-rest" on myself for the weekend. Figuring that if I take it easy over the weekend, get lots of rest and good food and still am having any icky discharge on Monday I can call the Dr.'s office and set up an appt. for early in the week.

So far my other symptoms include sore tatas, occasional cramping that I think might be my uterus stretching and fatigue.

~CravingBaby

So now that I am five weeks and a few days along it's fair to say that the worry has set in. Now I'm not worried that my smoking, drinking or drug taking is hurting my baby... 'cuz I don't do any of those things (I've never smoked or done drugs... I did pre-pregnancy enjoy a nice glass of red wine on occasion.) What I'm worried about are the deli meats, soft cheeses and caffeine. Right now I travel on occasion for work and eating well while on the road can be hard when you're just trying to eat right for you... try doing it for two!

So I'm wondering when did the I'm worried I might be hurting my baby feelings start? Maybe more importantly... do they ever go away?